Story ideas are like babies. They start off small and wriggly, but have the ability to hold you in a freakishly strong grip and command all of your attention. I’m biased, but generally, I love my story ideas. (Most of the time, anyway – I don’t count the long, grey hours of writer’s block where the words are dying on the page and I’m wondering why I don’t chuck it all in and devote my life to admin work). And, no matter how difficult they are, it’s worth it – because you know they’re going to grow up to be amazing.
Most of them, anyway. With some ideas, you can tell they’re going to be awful from the start. (Are babies like that, too? I wouldn’t know). Here are a few of the stories that I must never, ever write.
The Curious Incident of the Blog in the Night-Time
In a dystopian future where the line between man and machine is as blurred as Robin Thicke’s morals, hard-tweeting investigator Hashtag Selfie must investigate a spate of online spoilers that threaten to destroy the world’s most popular drama series. Could there be a serial troller on the loose?
The Dreadful Book of Erotica
A steamy collection of no-holds-barred stories about awkward sex that everyone involved would much rather forget.
Eat, Prey, Blub
One woman’s tear-jerking story of self-discovery as she takes a sabbatical from her fancy city job to become a gamekeeper on a country estate.
A totally hip and rad story about a teenage girl and all of her besties, as they deal with school, fashion and (gasp!) boys! Containing a lot of seriously trendy slang and in-jokes, because I might be pushing thirty, but I’m still down with the kids.
A Screech After Midnight
We’ve had sexy vampires. We’ve had sexy angels. We’ve had sexy demons. You know what we haven’t had? Sexy banshees. Join plain-yet-somehow-beautiful Anna as she gets stuck in a love triangle between two shrieking harbingers of death.
…Actually, the Hashtag Selfie series and The Dreadful Book of Erotica might have potential…
No. No, I mustn’t.
Alice has actually written some relatively good stories, which can be found at Amazon and Smashwords, and a webcomic, Footloose, co-created and illustrated by Emily Brady. Ally’s ramblings are available on Twitter and Facebook.