You know what this world needs? More articles about things that are wrong with women’s bodies. They’re always super-useful. A few days ago, I read an especially great example, called 10 Things Men Find Unattractive, which was exactly as deep and thoughtful as it sounds.
I don’t know about other women (kidding! After all, we’re a monolith, and so, according to this article, are men), but I find that we’re so rarely told what men find unattractive about us. And that makes life really difficult, because fitting in with what men find attractive is The Most Important Thing.
Based on the nuggets of wisdom I gleaned from this article, here are some important life changes I’ve made:
1. Intricate Hairstyle
Who knew that complex hairstyles were only good for ‘a carnival or an extravagant photo session’? Not me, that’s for sure. Of course, now I’m worried that even my current short bob might be too much, so as soon as I can figure out how to work the clippers, I’m going full Imperator Furiosa.
2. Heavy Foundation
My foundation has to be invisible to me. I think I’ve achieved this already, because I’m looking on the shelf for my bottle of No. 7 Stay Perfect, and can I see the damn thing? No, I can’t. Success! All the boys will be in my yard.
3. Glitter and Shimmer on Your Eyelids
You know what’s really boring and ugly? Things that sparkle. You know the old saying – “All that glitters, men find really unattractive.” I’ve thrown out all my glittery eyeshadow and replaced it with my invisible foundation. (I think).
4. Gummed-up Lashes
This ‘does not make your eyes look tempting at all’, which is tragic. Eyes are supposed to be like nibbles at a party. Everyone knows that.
5. Badly Shaved Body
This part of the article equated shaving with being clean, which came as a bit of a surprise to me – I thought it was washing that kept you clean!
The idea that women with body hair are dirty while men with body hair are clean still confuses me a little (the article didn’t go into the science, but maybe instead of being made of keratin, women’s body hair is literally poo? I don’t know). Still, I’ve decided to quit showering and just shave instead. After all, baldness is cleanliness!
6. Dry Skin
This is why I can’t get a date. It’s my dry elbows. If only I’d known!
7. Bad Breath and Yellowish Teeth
Only men find this unattractive, apparently.
8. Wrong Lip Liner
See, I think I see the problem this lady has – she’s not using a lip liner at all. That’s a pencil. I’ve checked and removed all pencils from my make-up kit, along with the biros, and the protractor that I use to apply my invisible foundation.
9. Too Much Fragrance
Here, the article advises you to ‘Make your aroma your little secret’, so my project for the weekend is to hunt down and silence every man who’s ever been close enough to know what I smell like. (Especially now I’m shaving in lieu of washing).
10. Public Grooming
‘All major makeup procedures should be performed at home, not in public.’
And you must use the correct safety equipment. Cone off the area, and wear a high-vis jacket.
Reading this article has been an eye-opener. Finally, I know what all men – every single one of them – find unattractive, so I can change myself accordingly. After all, it’s not like my makeup, clothes, or personal grooming are for me.