Sad Vampires Revisited

Facebook reminded me that it’s the four-year anniversary of my trip to see Breaking Dawn Part 2 (it was for uni research, leave me alone). I wrote a commentary that still makes me giggle to this day, so I share it here for your entertainment.

On the afternoon of 19th December 2012, Ally Nuttall went to see Breaking Dawn Part 2. Several hours later, this notebook was found.

– I’m in the tiniest cinema I’ve ever seen, and I’m the oldest person in the room by about ten years. I feel like I’m supervising a really non-educational school trip.
– Ominous blood-red mist! Bet this is the closest we’ll see to blood in the film.
– Ooh, Lee Pace (mentioned in the credits)! Oh Lee Pace, why are you in a Twilight film?
– First thing Bella looks at – Edward’s crotch. Did I really need to see that?
– Oh Kristen Stewart, you are not a remotely scary vampire.
– Kept the line about Jacob smelling bad. Why am I not surprised?
– ARGH THE CGI BABY! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
-Alice seems to have had even more coffee than usual…
– And another sexless scene. This is just as bad as part 1.
– This is less erotic than a Herbal Essences advert.
– Charlie SPLITS LOGS because that’s what men do when they think their daughters are dead!
– Showing this scene is just an excuse to show Taylor Launtner with his clothes off. (I shouldn’t be surprised about that by this point).
– They all seem far too cheery about the fact that she might kill her dad…Also, why did they need the whole Jacob reveal bit when she looks no different to how she did human?
– Where’s Renee during all this? Worst mother ever.
– Don’t call Renesmee your “niece and daughter”, Edward, that’s fucking creepy.
– The sparkling just makes her look like she has a terrible skin condition.
– Oh good, CGI baby has been replaced by random child actress.
– Do the Volturi ever stop posing?
– Have they slapped a load of CGI on the child actress? Her face doesn’t look real.
– Oh, here come the horrifically racist stereotype vampires – shrieking, dressed in skins, animal mannerisms. FFS, it’s the 21st century.
– Is that Lee Pace as Garrett? Yes, it is. Well, at least he’s good-looking.
– Tiny, TINY children as werewolves. Totally cool to make them fight thousand-year-old vampires for the sake of two boring prats and their kid.
– Vladimir and Stefan…what is this I don’t even…
– Alec, who kills people with CGI. (Bet Renesmee is immune!)
– No! Not more awkward sex!
– Poor Leah doesn’t even get face time in this film…
– Shut up about the War of Independence, Garrett…is that the only thing you did in your hundreds of years as a vampire? I’m not even all that patriotic and you’re pissing me off.
– Aro, what the fuck are you wearing? And what the FUCK kind of noise was that?
– I’m sure you shouldn’t be making that kind of face at a child, Aro.
– This fight scene would probably be awesome if I didn’t know the “clever twist”.
– And everybody dies! Okay, this fight scene IS awesome. Genuinely had to stop myself laughing when the heads started coming off.
– Stephenie Meyer must’ve HATED this scene! Too chicken to kill your characters off, Meyer? WE’RE NOT!
– This fight has made up for the entire rest of the series, it’s like someone’s found the most epic way to troll the fans. I love it.
– And “what a twist”! It was all a vision. All the teens are giggling in relief. This is still cheating, screenwriter.
– And it’s smooches ever after, apparently.

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About Alice Nuttall

Alice Nuttall is a caffeine-guzzling knitter who divides her time between Oxford and the various worlds in her head. She is the author of a YA fantasy novel, Spider Circus, and three webcomics, Footloose, Cherry, and Black Market Magic, as well as several short stories.
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